Monday, July 24, 2006

Pondering the divine

I was laying in bed with my son tonight, I seem to be doing that a lot lately to help him go to sleep. I started re-reading "The Artist's Way" tonight. Well ok, I started re-reading the beginning because I never made it past maybe the first chapter or two when I tried to undertake it ten years ago. So anyway the introduction is all about how the author sees the divine, no matter how you define it, as a free flow of creative energy. And she talks about just opening up and letting whatever is inside of you out. So I'm laying there kind of thinking about this and I think I'll just lay there and try to let something out. This is what came to my mind.

There is this little scrunchy looking cartoon woman with long pigtail braids huge eyes and an over bite who has come upon this mountainous but very smooth uniform thing, which she assumes to be a boulder, I was reading about energy vortexes in Sedona, AZ recently, which is where Cyndi says I should live, I think this is where this comes from. Anyway, in a very "Cliff Hanger" fashion she begins climbing this thing and finally, clumsily struggles her way to the top, which is a flat smooth plain, and she gazes up into the sky...only to realize she has just scaled the toe of God. As she stares gaping into the sky a voice booms down at her...

"My Child.."

She gasps for air and trembles, "Yes?"

"You are standing on my foot."

Thursday, July 13, 2006

More cute kid stories...

Ok, just one...I know I'm probably reaching my quota for the week, but honestly, without my kids entertaining me, I might lose my mind.

I was standing at the stove making French toast for Elyas (aka Rodeo) this morning and he was standing on the step stool next to me inspecting my work. I flipped the toast and he got a very serious look on his face and climbed down ran across the room and turned off the light.

"Why did you do that?"

"I want my toast darker, Mommy."

Inside my head...

Inside my head...

I have a confession to make - I hear voices inside my head. I don't think they are of the dangerous fact I imagine they are quite normal. I label them with things like conscious, guilt, pride, etc. Maybe you do too. Or maybe I'm crazy. Who cares? At any rate I've been struggling with one particular voice inside my head for a long time. It sounds like my mother - or maybe my grandfather. Probably both. It's the voice that says things like "You can't." "You'll fail." "Why even try?" and "Because you deserve to be treated that way." It sometimes drives me to wish for bad news just so it will stop speculating about how bad things will turn out. Do you know a voice like this? It's an insidious little beast and I wish it would just die. But it won't because, you know, it's part of me. And it will be there on the day I die.

So I opened up my email yesterday and there was this bit of junk mail in my folder that said very boldly "DON'T LISTEN TO YOURSELF." Well, whoever wrote that headline got my attention, because I opened it. It was one of those IVillage newsletters that I accidentally signed up for and have never gotten around to canceling. The article was about weight loss and most specifically that little voice that drives us to failure. The one that says "I'm too tired" and "You've tried this a million times before." and "Why bother?" And of course the sage advice was, don't listen to that voice. It's all very simple isn't it? Just ignore yourself for a bit. You'll be fine, and you'll get into the habit of ignoring yourself and before you know it, ignoring yourself will be second nature.

Sounds good, doesn't it? Or does it?

I was reflecting back on the fact that this particular little voice sounded a lot like my mom and her father. And it's too very easy to kind of laugh and say, yeah...generations of baggage. But I started questioning why on earth it has come to pass that this horrible self deprecating voice made it into my head. And I realized it isn't an insidious little beast. It's my protector. My guard dog. Mommies tell their children "No" and "You cant" and "For heaven sake don't do that you'll get hurt!" And it becomes engrained in our heads. Because mommies are the guard dogs of the universe. The best of the best, the ones you want on your team, because they not only protect you from the outside, but they implant this little voice inside your head that protects you from the inside. And wow, that's a hell of a thing.

So I've decided it's time to stop railing against my little voice. Instead, it's time to reintroduce myself to it, and start training it to act as I want it to act, which I really need to give some thought to what that might be. But I knew there was no coincidence that Cyndi posted "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage" the other night and the fact that has been dancing through my head all along. This morning when my little voice approached me and said "You are so lazy, you should have done this a month ago, what is the point of doing it now? She's already mad at you for not doing it!" I silently kept doing what I was doing. My little voice muttered at me a few minutes more, and then reminded me that the post office closes at 5, so I'd better go straight away after work. And I said "Oh yeah, good point!" And wrote it down. And then it was quiet for quite a long time.

Of course, this is all very experimental. Who knows if you can actually train a voice in your head to behave? But a girl's gotta try.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

"I think"

"I think"

"How was the first day, Dev?"

"GREAT MOM! I got to see a horse!"

"Really, very cool!"

"And I think I got to ride it..."

Looking at the camp counselor, "You think?"

Laughing, "Yes, he rode it."

"But I didn't hold the straps."

My thinking boy...didn't know if it counted as riding if he didn't have the steering wheel. He does think...too much.


"Ok honey, let's get going, so we can pick up Dev."

"Devereaux, mommy."


"His name is Devereaux."

"Ok, yes. But Dev is his nickname, right?"

"DJ is his nickname."

"DJ is your dad's nickname."

"No, it's Devereaux's"

"Ok. Hey, what's your nickname?"



"Yes, Rodeo."

Ok...learn something new everyday...

Yes, I did.

QuitMeter Counter courtesy of