So do I need to talk about S-E-X more?

Or do I need to talk about the D-I-V-O-R-C-E less?

Oh come on, I've been wanting to reference that song for a year and a half.

Go me!

So as I mentioned, today is my birthday. I guess my boys have really been saving their pennies because after a rotten day at work I picked them up and took us out to dinner. Our usual diner is being remodeled, so we took ourselves to Perkins. And the boys gave me a great little table lamp and a DVD player. Our old DVD player died in January. In May I bought a portable DVD player that I could attach to the TV for our vacation. The boys broke it two days after the 30 day warranty was up...so I wasn't in a rush to replace it. So I guess they decided they want their movies back. Ha! Well...honestly I really don't like that the ex-husband spent that kind of money on me for them, but I can't exactly say that. I just makes me feel like I owe him something, and if there is anyone I don't want to owe anything to...well. Anyway.

Guess what I did! Oh just guess! I just programmed my very own universal remote! Don't LAUGH! I've installed toilets, repaired lawn mowers, and loaded concrete at a lumber yard, but that damn universal remote scares me. I can't believe I conquered it! I feel like such a WO-man! Go me!

Who needs Santa when you have dimples?

So do you think there is some subliminal messaging going on in the random play with the fridge magnets?

This, if no one has noticed, is my magic child. No seriously, great mind bending magic flies out of him when you least expect it. Remember when Harry accidentally set the snake on Dudley? It is totally like that. Like on Thursday I picked him up from daycare and we were dangerously close to being late for picking up his brother and traffic was horrible. I was at that place where every ounce of my being was being devoted to holding on to a long blue stream of obscenities. He was smiling and happy when I picked him up, as he usually is, and he was having a conversation with a train in the back seat. Suddenly he said "Mama!"

"Yeah, babe."

"Deedee is swinging from vines!"

Deedee is the name we've given the car.

"Huh?"

"See those black lines? They are vines, mom!"

I can't see any black lines. I look around thinking maybe he's seeing shadows of light posts or electrical wires or something.

"Elyas, I can't see any black lines."

"Oh, that's because this is my world mom."

See? Magic.

A new perspective

So there is this interesting phenomena that takes place when you are one of two parents, doing their thing separately, instead of as a unit. The thing to which I refer is is the, well, the...oh darn, I hate to say it, because it is actually a really good thing...but it's the "Tattle syndrome." Oh I know you marrieds, your kids still tell each of you things that the other does. But when they know dad and mom aren't snuggling up at the end of the evening, I think they feel safer saying some basic truths that you might not hear otherwise. I'm in the car with the boys the other day and Elyas says something about the dog biting at them. Cranky mom, ever on the alert for something that "damn man" is doing wrong jumps on it. "He bites at you? Has he ever bit you? Does he bite at everyone?" Well, turns out it is mostly play and the dog getting over excited (still worries me) but the conversation leads to "and he jumped up on the baby and made her fall down and cry."

This was all Elyas. Dev, deep in thought murmurs, "Sometimes I dance to make her stop crying." As much as it annoys me that woman is in the house with my kids, I'm charmed by this. "That's nice babe."

"Her mom says when I'm sixteen and bring my girlfriend home she's gonna tell her all about my chicken dance."

It's really a normal tease, from adults to children, almost a right of passage. But anyone who really understands my kid knows better. You don't tease, Dev. Even when he takes it (which often he doesn't), it bruises him deeply. I could tell that this worried Dev.

"I guess adults don't always understand that stuff like that is what makes kids not want to bring their boyfriends and girlfriends home."

"Yeah, mom. I'm glad you don't say things like that."

I'm glad you are teaching me kiddo.

Who Am I?

A little over a year ago, my friends and I were obsessing about a book called The Daring Female's Guide to Ecstatic Living. At the time, my separation was very fresh and new and I was ready to do a little bit of something to be ecstatic about. Anything, honestly. I was taking a great amount of solace in pouring all my thoughts out into a private blog with my close friends and it was not only a bit of good therapy, but I discovered something important. Or rather rediscovered...that I love writing. So I started this blog and posted a few of my better (and not intensely personal) blogs here and started writing...but not terribly regularly. I was still much more comfortable going to my little circle of girls and spouting off about my daily stuff.

In the process of all that, my friend Cyndi issued me a Daring Female dare. Her dare was to begin a Who Am I Journal. I in fact did this and it began an amazing journey of self discovery...some parts of which I absolutely relished, some that were quite simply painful to endure. But it made me a stronger and I think happier person. Though, there are some days I'd have to say I was wrong about that. But we all have those days, eh?

Now rather than taking you on the long winding road I've been on in the last year and a half, I'm thinking maybe I'll just tell you, this time, about where I've ended up. At first blush, I probably don't look too different than I did at that time. My job is the same, my devotion to my kids, my faith (or lack thereof, depending upon whose viewpoint you are referencing), and my friends...all the same. Even my sad dependence upon numerous ellipses remains, as you might have noticed. I still read a lot and I'm still not in a rush to find another man (I must admit I look more than I used to...still won't act on it though.) Actually, with the exception of my address, looking at my life you probably wouldn't see much of a difference at all. Did I do all that work to end up in the same place I've always been? In short, no.

When I started writing about "Who Am I" I was a woman crushed by a life, not living one. All of my expectations had been met, and that really wasn't a good thing. So I spent a lot of time dealing with the things I didn't like...and I may have done myself a disservice by spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to fix them, rather than doing what ultimately I needed to do, which is come to terms with them. So where I am now, is an awful lot like where I was then, with a gigantic difference. I like me. I may be so bold as to say, I love me. Warts and all. And that, my friends, makes all the difference in the world.

So now I have a guide to changing my life. I'm following that happy girl's lead. And I've learned two things that makes me happy are reading real "slice of life" blogs, and writing. So, I'm going to commit to writing regularly, even when I don't think anyone wants to hear it. Because this isn't about them. Sorry DaMomma, but this one really is about me. But I hope I can find some things to say that will do a little something for you too.