Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Another day

Christie asked us to blog, no matter if it said much or not...

Life right now is exceedingly difficult for me. I'm struggling with Darius about custody issues. My boys can't seem to sleep when they are at my house. I broke down crying last night because Elyas simply wouldn't go to sleep, because D. called and yelled at me about money, because my life is not what I wanted at all at this point. Elyas put his arms around my neck and coo'ed "It's awright. Wyas is here." over and over and over. It was nice to see him reflecting back to me what I know he's seen from me over and over again, that he knows what comfort looks like to him. I hated being comforted by my four year old. Two hours later in the dark of the night I finally caved and moved the whole clan out to the living room. We opened up the windows to watch the rain and pretend we were camping out. Devereaux reached out and stroked my face in the moonlight and lightening flashes I could see love written all over his face. He sighed, "Mommy, if I were grown up, I'd marry you." Right back to tears it was. Then he told me it looked like the sky was crying too. We cried ourselves to sleep finally, huddled in a mass on the living room floor.

I woke up at some point with my stomach in knots and all I could think about was a sense memory of deboning a chicken...of gently and carefully splitting the breastbone in half with a very sharp knife and carefully pulling and cutting the flesh from the bones. It was what my soul felt like last night...

Sorry to be a bummer. Hopefully the day will improve with coffee.

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